Practice the 5:1 Ratio

Healthy relationships need way more positive moments than negative ones. Learn how to build this ratio and rebuild connection.

Why This Matters

Here's the thing: if you're criticizing, complaining, or being negative more than you're being positive, you're slowly killing your connection. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that healthy relationships need way more positive interactions than negative ones. Think 5 to 1. That's the ratio that actually works.

The Secret: Focus on What's Working

It's easy to notice what's wrong. It takes effort to notice what's right. Make that effort. Build the positive interactions.

How to Build the 5:1 Ratio

1. Count Your Interactions

For one day, notice:

- How many positive things you say or do

- How many negative things you say or do

The goal: 5 positives for every 1 negative.

2. Increase Positives

Find ways to add positive interactions:

- Compliments

- Appreciation

- Physical affection

- Acts of service

- Quality time

- Words of affirmation

3. Reduce Negatives

Notice when you're being negative:

- Criticism

- Complaints

- Sarcasm

- Defensiveness

- Stonewalling

The rule: If you can't say something positive, at least don't say something negative.

4. Make It a Habit

This isn't a one-time thing. Make it a daily practice. Notice what's working. Express appreciation. Build the positive.

Examples of Positive Interactions

"I appreciate you doing that."
"You handled that really well."
A hug or kiss
Doing something helpful without being asked
Asking about her day
A genuine compliment

Examples of Negative Interactions

Criticism: "You always..."
Complaints: "Why didn't you..."
Sarcasm: "Oh, great..."
Defensiveness: "That's not my fault..."
Stonewalling: Ignoring or shutting down

Common Mistakes

Only focusing on negatives: What's wrong is easy to see. What's right takes effort.

Not counting: You probably have more negatives than you think.

Faking it: Positives need to be genuine, not forced.

Giving up: Building this ratio takes time. Keep at it.

The Win

You built the 5:1 ratio. You're focusing on what's working. Your relationship feels more positive. That's a win.