Use "I" Statements in Conflicts

"You" statements sound like accusations. They make her defensive. "I" statements express how you feel without blaming. They open dialogue instead of closing it.

"I" statements are about how you feel, not about what she did wrong. They express your experience without making her the problem.

"I feel [emotion] when [situation]."

Not: "You make me feel..." or "You always..."

Name the emotion:

- "I feel hurt..."

- "I feel frustrated..."

- "I feel disconnected..."

- "I feel overwhelmed..."

What happened that led to this feeling:

- "...when we don't spend time together."

- "...when I feel like I'm not being heard."

- "...when we're both stressed and snapping at each other."

Don't make it about what she did wrong. Make it about how you feel.

Instead of: "You never listen to me."

Say: "I feel unheard when I'm trying to tell you something and you're on your phone."

Instead of: "You always make plans without asking me."

Say: "I feel left out when plans are made without me being included."

Instead of: "You're always stressed."

Say: "I feel disconnected when we're both stressed and we don't have time to connect."

They express feelings: Not accusations, but feelings.

They avoid blame: They're about your experience, not her fault.

They open dialogue: They invite conversation, not defensiveness.

They're specific: They describe the situation, not vague complaints.

Starting with "you": That's an accusation, not an "I" statement.

Blaming: "I feel hurt because you..." is still blaming.

Being vague: Be specific about the situation.

Using it to manipulate: "I" statements are about expressing feelings, not getting your way.

You used "I" statements. You expressed your feelings without blame. She didn't get defensive. You opened dialogue. That's a win.